ShamWow Holds 12X its Weight in Liquid…Does That Include Hooker Blood?

We all know and love Vince from the ShamWow commercials and we all love his nuts he chops in the Slap Chop, but apparently a hooker didn’t feel the same way. Vince was arrested for beating up a prostitute after she allegedly tried bite his tongue off. According to the police report shit when down as follows:

 

• Shlomi meets Sasha Harris in a Miami club. They go back to his hotel.
• She propositions him for “straight sex.” He pays her a thousand bucks in cash.
• He kisses her.
• She “bit his tongue and would not let go.”
• He punches her in her face repeatedly until she lets go.
• He runs down to the hotel lobby.
• They both get arrested.

 

Best story I’ve heard in awhile. Thank you Vince, you’ve made my life better via the ShamWow, the Slap Chop, and now your crazy shenanigans. 

Jsis. 

Rockysoft Mountain Retreat

Half of the Rocksoft crew will be away this weekend on a team-building exercise/ski trip/sloshfest in The Centennial State. We hope to report some valuable news, events, cover art, and possibly some Rated R material.

Some of our goals include: paying homage to these guys and these guys, attempting to get a mile high, riding the blue mustang and engaging in a lot of this…

Enfuego.

Pedopheelin’ It

File this one under ‘sitez for the LOLz thereof,’ right alongside such greats as lolcats, fmylife and fuckin’ wit da homies.

Everyone loves bears right? And bears love everyone! Especially PedoBear.

OK, so maybe not everyone…

Those at work beware: lolz within.

-$.

You Just Got Fully Serviced

One point was all he needed.

Enfuego.

Taylor Swift… You don’t have me fooled!

I have for some reason a copy of Rolling Stone magazine behind my toilet and was mozing thru it the other day. This is the one with 19 year-old flame throwing country singer Taylor (Stromile) Swift on the cover.

People have been telling me she is a fox. But look at this picture people, she is creepy looking, she looks kinda like Sabertooth from X-Men. 

So I’m onto you Taylor Swift. I don’t think you are as hot as I was told you were.

The one on the left she  has mermaid make up on. On the right we have the return of Sabertooth. I also wonder what happens to Taylor if someone pours a glass of water on her face… I’m melting is what happens! The straw that broke the camel’s back for me though was the pic of her as a youngster…

AHHHH!!!!! SCARRRRY!!!

Don’t get me wrong though, I would still poke her… (The one on the right obviously.)

 z.

On another note, this interesting ad was found on the inner cover of the same Rolling Stone issue…

 

THIS MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

Rocksoft Survival Guide: The SnugWOW!

If you are stranded on a desert island, this is the only product you need.

Maybe one of these too, in case of predators.

Enfuego.

Cupcake Scavenger Hunt 2009

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Google Maps has some interesting interactive maps, some more morbid than others. Here they have collaborated with the Los Angeles Times to display this year’s entrants in the 2009 Los Angeles Cupcake Challenge.

If you are in the LA Metro Area jonesing for the frosted pastry, you now know where to look.

Google Maps is the best.

Enfuego.

Card Shop VIII: ThrowSapp Thursday

The dude was pretty fit back in those days. He actually saw some action at punter in high school. Back then he also delivered Johnny Damon his first concussion, but not his last.

Sapp had an uncanny ability to make any uniform look fresh…

Even if the uni was already fresh…

Unfortunately he was not able to maintain that slim figure throughout his pro career. He probably took too many pointers from the diet of Ted Washington. You know, snacking on QBs and what not.

We still love you Warren.

Enfuego.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, FINALLY!!!

I don’t know about you, but I have been eagerly awaiting the trailer for Spike Jonze’s Where the Wild Things are. Back in the day, there was a bunch of hype on the film when a clip of test footage was leaked, however it was short and only partially satisfying. Finally, the trailer for the film was released this morning and it looks AMAZING! I have to say, the Arcade Fire song enhances the childhood memories that will come rushing into your mind as you watch. I can’t wait! 

Jsis.

Take a Ride on the Grass Mud Horse

China’s leading internet search engine Baidu and its encyclopedic counterpart, Baidu Baike, have recently been the victims of some clever web-based shenanigans. 

Feeling overly censored, citizens of China created entries for a series of 10 mythical creatures on Baidu Baike, whose names are innocuous in written Chinese, but sound the same as profanities when spoken.

My favorite of the 10 creatures is the Grass Mud Horse or Cao Ni Ma (Chinese: 草泥马), which translates to “fuck your mother.”

Yes, it’s just an alpaca.

This madness has now made its way on to YouTube and the Chinese government is considering shutting down the website altogether.

Enjoy…

Enfuego.

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Just Think About It

Let’s think about this here. (I wanted to start this post of with so, but it has been brought to my attention that I start all my posts with that, so…)

Hypothetical college basketball scenarios:

If all the guys who left stayed at UNC after 04-05 the 05-06 Tar Heels lineup would have included…

PG Raymond Felton
SG Rashad McCants
SF Marvin Williams
PF Tyler Hansborough
C Sean May

Yikes!!!

If Farmar and Afflalo stayed at UCLA 07-08 Brunis would have included…

PG Jordan Farmar
SG Russell Westbrook
SG Arron Afflalo 
SF Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
C Kevin Love
and off the bench…Darren Collison 

With Love throwing all those outlets this would be one hell of a run-and-gun team… Look at all that quickness.

If Okafor and Ben Gordon stayed on at UConn one more year the 04-05 Huskies would have looked like this…

Ben Gordon
Rudy Gay
Charlie Villanueva
Emeka Okafor
Josh Boone
Hilton Armstrong

The lack of an elite point guard hurts, but the big men are endless.

If everyone stayed, the 07-08 Texas Longhorns would have looked like…

D.J. Augustin
A.J. Abrams
Kevin Durant
LaMarcus Aldridge
Dexter Pittman

Durant alone makes this team great. 

I would take the 07-08 Horns if all these teams magically met in their respective primes.

z.

The Mis-steak of a Lifetime

Earlier this month, some old dude at a picnic was fiending so hard for some sauteed mushrooms to go along with his steak that he picked the nearest shrooms growing out of the ground.

Unfortunately for him they were not normal or even psychedelic mushrooms, but rather the lethal type of shrooms. After finishing his last supper, he was rushed to the hospital where he died a few hours later.

What I’m wondering is how his family just sits there and watches the 82-year-old poor guy pick some mushrooms, cook them and eat them? Everyone knows not to fuck with mushrooms unless they’re sold in a grocery store or ziploc bag.

He probably was tripping balls though.

Enfuego.

Two-Track Tuesday

Two tracks this Rocksofter is feeling today…

1. Chairlift – “Evident Utensil.” This has got to be the most annoying fucking video ever made though.

2. Peter Bjorn and John – “Nothing to Worry About” Troublemaker Remix featuring U-N-I and the 87 Stick Up Kids.  The original is also very worthwhile.

-$.

Well… That’s Just Unfortunate…

Yeah, that photo is pretty unfortunate in itself. But the story behind it is also shockingly inopportune: 

A US man who thought he was dying and confessed to having killed a neighbour in 1977 has been charged with murder after making a recovery, US media say.

James Brewer could now face the death penalty over the unsolved killing in Tennessee 32 years ago, reports say.

Convinced he was dying after a stroke, Mr Brewer reportedly admitted to police he shot dead 20-year-old Jimmy Carroll.

The 58-year-old, who had fled Tennessee after the killing, was arrested after his condition improved, reports say.

“He wanted to cleanse his soul, because he thought he was going to the great beyond,” said police detective Tony Grasso, who interviewed Mr Brewer in an Oklahoma hospital, The Oklahoman website reported.

A word of advice to anyone feeling guilty about having committed a murder: when the angels come down to escort you to heaven, ask for their ID’s before you go telling the whole world about it.

You really, really gotta be sure.

-$.

Cover Art X: Let’s Do This

Ice Cube‘s 1990 release “Kill At Will“

The best aspect of this album was that it felt like you were accepting Cube’s .38 special upon purchase. I can’t think of any other album that gave me the feeling of going to war after leaving my local Tower Records. That, along with the “Parental Advisory” label, was every elementary school kid’s dream. Rebellion in disc form.

Only a 7-track EP, Kill At Will, was more of an extension of his solo debut album , AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted, than an actual sophomore solo effort. He had many more great records to come. And a shit load of gangsterness to go with it.

Enfuego.